Sarah Jane

I hate late night phone calls. The ones I hate the most are the ones from close family and friends with bad news. A little over a year ago a call at 2:30 in the morning announced that my older brother had died. Last night it was news of the passing of my niece that has been fighting an unknown illness. I have been trying to stay informed about her situation and how she had been doing, but little information was available to anyone due to the unknown nature of her illness.

A few weeks ago I got a call at just after 4 in the morning. It was a friend asking if I could drive his route that morning. I am normally up by 5 each morning, but this extra early awakening was rather upsetting. When the ringing started, I rolled over to look at the number, and seeing that it was local but not recognizing it, I instinctively answered it fearing what bad news I would hear on the other end. That time I dodged the metaphorical bullet. Not this week though. This week my sister and her family are going through one of the hardest things that could ever be asked of any parent.

The loss of a child is tragic and traumatic to those that experience it. My youngest son died unexpectedly at 10 days old. There is nothing that can prepare someone for that kind of loss. The loss of a sibling, parent, spouse, or loved one is not the same. There is something about the loss of perfect innocence that touches us, and rends out hearts when our little ones pass away. Unfortunately far too many of our little ones leave this life before their first birthday. This is the third infant death in my family in the last several years.

“No parent should have to bury their child”
– from Lord of the Rings

A friend of mine that is a holistic doctor lost a child some two decades ago, and when my son died he gave us the following advice. It was both timely and timeless, and bears sharing now.

“There are only three things that you need to do at this time, and you need to do them in this order. Everything else is optional.
1. You have to breathe.
2. You have to sleep.
3. You have to eat.

You don’t have to eat a lot, but you do have to eat something every day. You have to let your body work things out by sleeping. It doesn’t mean that you are broken if you want to sleep all the time. It actually means that you are healing.

There will be times that just breathing will seem like the largest effort you have ever made. Just take it one breath at a time. If you cannot eat, then sleep. If you cannot sleep, then just breathe until you feel like sleep.

Every day, breathe, eat, sleep. Repeat. Everything else will happen in time.” (credit to Dr Jeffery Wright M.D.)

At the time I did not understand how profound that advice was, and now almost four years later there are still times when I have to revert back to that same formula. Moments of flashbacks where I have to just breathe one breath at a time until I can handle something else. The thing is, the pain never goes away. It seems like over time the pain may be less, but I think that comes from the strength that is built up from carrying that heavy emotional burden all that time.

For my sister and her family… I know what you are going through. I have been there too. Your parents also have buried children. In the days and weeks to come, we will once again come together to cherish the memories of those we love and to lend love and support. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last. In this moment however none of that matters. What matters now is this moment. The next moment will matter when it gets here, but not until then. Right now there is only this breath, this discussion, this step. Nothing else matters, and that is as it should be.

“For those that understand, no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not, no explanation is possible”
– Author unknown